High Conflict Divorce

Divorce is never easy, but a high conflict divorce can be especially challenging. A high conflict divorce involves intense disputes between spouses, often over child custody, property division, and monetary support (maintenance and child support). Such divorces can be emotionally and financially exhausting, typically involving prolonged litigation.

Key Aspects Of A High Conflict Divorce:

1. Child Custody Disputes

• In high conflict divorces, custody disputes are often the most contentious. New York courts prioritize the best interests of the child, considering factors like the parents' ability to cooperate, the child's relationship with each parent, and any history of abuse or neglect.
• If parents cannot agree on a custody arrangement, the court may appoint an Attorney For the Children (“AFC”) to represent the children.

2. Division of Assets

• New York is an “equitable distribution” state, meaning marital assets are divided “fairly” (although not necessarily equally).
• High conflict cases may require forensic accountants to evaluate complex financial situations, especially if one spouse tries to hide assets or income.

3. Emotional Impact and Parenting Plans

• High conflict divorces can take a huge toll on both spouses as well as the children. The court may order counseling or co-parenting classes to mitigate such negative effects.
• A detailed parenting plan specifying visitation and decision-making is often necessary to reduce conflict.

4. Protective Orders

• A spouse may seek an Order of Protection in cases involving allegations of domestic violence.

5. Court Involvement

• High conflict divorces frequently require substantial court involvement, resulting in a much longer and more expensive divorce.

Tips for Managing a High Conflict Divorce

1. Document Everything

One of the most important steps in a high conflict divorce is to keep thorough records of your communications with your spouse, any incidents of conflict, your financial transactions, and any interactions involving your children. Documentation can be critical in order to demonstrate the truth of what happened in court if a dispute arise.

• Keep Written Records: Use email or text messages for communication with your spouse whenever possible.
• Track Expenses: Prepare a detailed list of marital expenses, assets, debts, and any financial contributions you make to your household expenses. This information will be helpful during property division and in determining child support or spousal maintenance.
• Log Incidents: If there are incidents of harassment, threats, or other inappropriate behavior, write down the details of what happened, including the time and place of the incidents. This may be valuable if you need to seek a protective order or demonstrate safety concerns to the court.

2. Minimize Direct Interaction

High conflict situations often become volatile when the parties deal directly with each other. To reduce the risk of confrontations, try to minimize face-to-face or phone interactions with your spouse. Instead, use communication tools specifically designed for high conflict divorces.

• Use a Co-Parenting App: Tools like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents can help you manage communication in an organized manner. These apps save messages, thereby minimizing the potential for false claims.
• Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries for communication. Limit discussions to essential topics, such as issues related to the children, and avoid confrontational topics.

3. Focus on the Children

You should shield the children from conflict as much as possible and keep their well-being the priority. New York courts always consider the best interests of the child in making custody decisions, so demonstrating your commitment to your children’s stability and happiness is crucial.

• Avoid Speaking Negatively About Your Spouse: Children should not feel pressured to take sides or hear negative comments about either parent. Courts will frequently take into account a spouse speak negatively about the other parent to the children in deciding custody.
• Create a Consistent Routine: Establish a predictable routine for your children, including visitation schedules and daily activities. This helps provide stability during an otherwise tumultuous time.
• Co-Parenting Counseling: If communication between you and your spouse is difficult, consider co-parenting counseling.

4. Practice Self-Care

Managing a high conflict divorce can be extremely difficult on both your mental and physical health. Accordingly, you should prioritize self-care during this time so that you can remain focused and capable of making important decisions, especially with respect to your children.

• Seek Therapy or Counseling: Speaking to a therapist can help you get through this difficult process.
• Stay Active and Healthy: Exercise, eat well, and get plenty of rest. Physical activity can reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.
• Lean on Your Support Network: Reach out to friends and family for emotional support.

5. Protect Yourself If Necessary

In cases involving domestic violence, you need to focus on your and your children’s safety.

• Seek Legal Protection: If you are concerned for your safety, speak with your attorney about obtaining a temporary restraining order or a more permanent protective order.
• Have a Safety Plan: Develop a plan that includes emergency contacts, safe places to stay, and a list of important documents you may need if you have to leave quickly.

A high conflict divorce is extremely challenging, but with the right strategies, you can better manage the situation. By documenting everything, minimizing direct interaction, prioritizing your children’s well-being, and focusing on self-care, you can protect your rights and work toward a resolution that is best for you and your family.